Sometimes experiences rear their ugly head and set off a series of emotions, feelings, thoughts that you didn’t know were buried deep inside of you until a trigger set it all off. I was chatting with a friend of mine a few weeks ago. She’s well balanced and we keep each other accountable to our self-care plans.
We were catching up on life, our kids getting older. I asked how her parents were doing and she mentioned things were good, but she knows that sometimes being around them sets off these big, unexplainable feelings that are hard for her to shake. She admitted that her daughter had started to take notice of different scenarios too.
She mentioned how her daughter took notice of her behavior during a weekend visit with her parents. Ashley, her daughter, made a comment that it felt like she was more on edge and focused on other things, during the visit, not on her kids. She knew Ashley was right though, and apologized for being a little harder on her than normal.
She told me she wasn’t sure what it was about being around her parents but she knew the stress changed her. She admitted that her parents treat her children differently, similarly to the way they treated her and her older sibling. But it wasn’t just that that affected her. Perhaps, it was the desire deep inside of her to have their approval, to see her being a good mom, to see her kids turning out to be well-rounded humans.
She laughed saying, “Except, my kids are actually feral when we’re around my parents.” We had a moment of laughter as I’m sure you can relate to your children (if you have them) acting totally different when their routines are thrown off. She said and that’s when Ashley piped up and said, “Mom, I think I act out because I don’t get the same type of attention as Justin. Why don’t they treat us the same way?”
At that moment my heart broke for my friend and her teen daughter. And in the moment it broke and tears filled our eyes, she said, “I couldn’t help but be so thankful that my daughter was brave enough to speak up, and wise enough to recognize things were off.”
In all honesty we would have never been brave enough to see the shortcomings and harmful acts of the adults in our lives growing up. She continued talking about how she was able to have an open and honest conversation about her childhood with her daughter. She was able to shed light on the way she was brought up and how that still affects her today.
As we sat there and chatted, she said, “You know, I think the big feelings show up because I want my parent’s approval so badly. I want to know they are proud of me, but I know I’ll never hear it. I’ll always be misunderstood, and while they were the safest place I knew as a child, they are no longer a safe place to me. I approach time with them with my defenses raised, and much like Ashley who acts out, I take it out on the ones I love me the most, my husband and kids, because they are my safe place.”
I acknowledged and validated her feelings. As humans, we want people in our lives- the adults in our lives- to be proud of what we’ve done, we want to be treated equally, but as we get older we sometimes realize that wasn’t the case as a child, and isn’t the case as an adult either. Our greatest defense mechanism is to put a wall up to block out any hurt that could come and take out any uncomfortable feelings on the safest people in our lives.
I encouraged my friend to consider journaling or writing down self validations before spending time with her parents. Have her husband and children write down validations so she knows her strengths and then recognize that she is enough to the ones who love her the most.
I know it won’t be easy for her, she honors and loves those around her in a big way, but it’s a starting point to the healing in her life. I told her to keep being that safe place for Ashley as she navigates her own big feelings and to be proud of raising a child who is resilient and self-aware, because that is a big step in breaking down the generational trauma.
*names have been changed for protection
